Have you ever turned on the radio, heard some Christmas music and thought, “It sounds like a crime is being committed”? Don’t act like that doesn’t happen to you all the time.
OK, maybe you never actually thought about it … except for Baby It’s Cold Outside. Those lyrics do not translate well from 1944 to 2014.
At best, it sounds like a festive and flirty hostage negotiation. The two parts in the song are written as, no lie, “mouse” and “wolf.”
But I’m not going to go there. And even with that one aside, there are still lots of crimes to go around in these five criminal Christmas carols.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus — crimes: possibly adultery (it’s still illegal in almost two dozen states), being just plain strange.
Yes, I understand the concept, but how many of your dad’s dressed up like Santa Claus when they put the presents out on Christmas Eve?
Al Davis is dead, so there is no reason for a grown man to be wearing a jump suit. Much less, a reason to put one on and present to be “Santa,” while my kids are supposedly in bed asleep.
Winter Wonderland — crimes: impersonating clergy, bullying.
In the first verse, they have the snowman pretend to be a minister who can marry them. Wait, is this kids singing the song? Do I need to add underage marriage to the list of crimes?
In the second verse, they pretend the snowman is a clown until some other jerk kids come by and knock it over. They are playing the “Eskimo way,” so maybe it was even a hate crime.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer — crime: discrimination, hate crime.
Speaking of hate crimes, here you go. We have an entire group of reindeer that refuses to even let the one kid who is different play with them, not to mention mocking him incessantly.
Why does the ACLU not have a North Pole chapter to address this kind of thing? We’ve already got controversy about Santa being white. Plus, I’m sure those elves could tell some … tall? … tales of their own. Great, now I’m going to get sued.
2. Frosty the Snowman — crimes: child endangerment, ignoring the commands of a police officer.
First of all, if you let your children wander around town with a snowman that “magically” came to life and told them to follow him, I’m just going to say it, you are a bad parent. I’m not letting my kids anywhere near that.
Plus, he leads the children through the town and into traffic, while blatantly disregarding the directions of the traffic cop. That Frosty is a bad man.
1. We Wish You a Merry Christmas — crimes: taking hostages, extortion.
Sure, it all seems nice and cheery when carolers come to your doorstep wishing you a merry Christmas, but what happens when they demand some obscure food product you’ve never heard of along with a cup of cheer (who has an actual cup of cheer)?
Then, if you don’t bring them the figgy pudding, whatever that is, they say they are not going to leave. Sounds pretty threatening to me.
Perhaps, you’ll need to call up a dangerous individual to deal with this threat. You need to find that magic hat and unleash law-breaking Frosty on those crazy carolers.
Do you know of any more criminal Christmas carols?