Psalm 151: Psalm of the Hipster Worship Leader

Photo from NateStratman.com

Photo from NateStratman.com

Previously, I wrote Proverbs 32 – the rejected chapter of Proverbs. In it, I chronicled much wisdom that has been gathered since the biblical book was compiled. Somehow, most of that wisdom came from the 1980′s and 90′s. Who knew?

But just like we have added new wise sayings, we have also made advancements in worship since people were writing the Psalms. They used weird instruments like lyres, lutes, timbrels and harps. Who’s ever even heard of a “harp” anyway?

And they keep saying “Selah” over and over again. How am I supposed to know what that means? It’s not even in English.

Because of those things, I thought it was time to add a new psalm to the Bible. Somehow, no one seemed to agree with me. They made up silly phrases like “closed cannon” and threatened to “bring back heresy trials.” Whatever.

They are missing out, but you don’t have to. Here is Psalm 151: A psalm of the hipster worship leader.

Psalm 151
A praise chorus for the bearded hipster worship leader wearing a v-neck shirt, skinny jeans and a wool toboggan.

1Blessed is the man who does not have to
walk around with a clean shaven face
stand in front of the pastor at the buffet line
sit anywhere on the floor in the nursery.

2Chic.

3The Lord is my shepherd,
He provides us with free boutique, organic, glutten free coffee in the lobby.
4Even though I walk through the dark mainstream praise choruses.
He gives me new bands to play that you’ve never heard of.

5Chic.

6The fool has said in his heart,
“The worship leader wears too much flannel.”
7For truly, he does not understand image
And my desperate desire to never look so cool that I don’t care about cool.

8Chic.

9How long O Lord will you let us suffer?
The pastor is cutting into my stage time.
10Rain vengeance down upon his long message.
Smash his sermon notes upon the stones.

11Chic.

12My God, my God why have you forsaken me?
Why have you left me here without vinyl records?
13I cry out, but you do not hear me.
You have abandoned me without my faux black-rimmed glasses.

14Chic.

15Praise the Lord, praise Him for my v-neck that is deeper than the Mariana Trench.

16Praise the Lord, praise Him for our stripped down stage design that looks like it came from Goodwill, but actually it was bought at a cool, expensive place you’ve never heard of.

17Praise the Lord, praise Him for these pants I found for a really great price at the women’s clearance section at the Express.

18Let everything that has breath praise the Lord, but only if you promise to not sing anything that has been played on the radio in the last 30 years. Unless it’s Mumford and Sons. I give them a pass. They’re almost too mainstream, but they still have enough hipster cred. By the way, do you know them, I’ve been trying to get them the vinyl album my buddies and I recorded, but it wouldn’t fit in the mailbox. Anyway. It’s no big deal. I was just asking ironically.

Amen.

What’s your favorite, actual Psalm? Do you have any fun worship leader stories?

2 Comments

  1. Thanks for the smile, Aaron. My husband is what we non-hipster worship leader dude people call a “minister of music.” He wears a tie. He knows how to actually *direct* music. We don’t have a band, just a pianist, and, gasp! an organist. Our “cutting edge” songs are about 10 years old. All this spiky haired, tattooed, congregationally unsingable “worship leader” stuff is both amusing and foreign to people like us. Looking forward to reading more on your blog :0)

    • Thanks for stopping by Michelle! I grew up with a minister of music (with a piano and organ) and none of the churches I’ve ever been members of have had hipster worship leaders (or the fad before that – metrosexual worship leaders). I just have friends that are hipster worship leaders. ;)

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Aaron Earls

Christian. Husband. Daddy. Writer. Online editor for Facts & Trends Magazine. Fan of quick wits, magical wardrobes, brave hobbits, time traveling police boxes & Blue Devils.