Top 5 church pew excuses

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You know that moment when you come in late to church and … what’s that? You don’t get to church late? You never show up after the first song because one of your kids forgot that he only put on one shoe that morning or you realized you were still in your pajamas. Maybe you left a kid a home.

Oh, that’s never happened to you, huh? Well, you can just go read something else right now. Find something written by someone else that has it all together. The rest of us, we’ve shown up late a time or two or three or thirty … this summer.

OK, now that they’ve gone. You and I can talk.

Something crazy always seems to happen when you’re trying to head out the door to church on Sunday morning. Am I right? So you get there a tiny bit late, well maybe you missed all the singing and three-fourths of the sermon, but you made it. That counts for something.

But when you walk in, you see seats all over the sanctuary – you just don’t see any that you can get to without crawling over someone. Every empty seat is in the middle of the pew.

Why is that? Why will no one ever slide? This may be the greatest mystery of the church, but I have my guesses. Here are the top 5 reasons no one sits in the middle of a church pew

5. Need an escape route

What if something goes wrong and you need to get out quick? What if the pastor is going long and you want to beat the other churches to the best restaurant? You need quick access. You need to be able to leave quickly. The pew end is your best option.

4. Dark matter lives there

Scientists think there’s life destroying dark matter in the universe, but they can’t find it. That’s because it’s at church in the middle of pews, sucking in people who get too close. They don’t know about it because all scientists are godless heathens, right? What do you mean, no?

3. Think they’re on a plane

No one likes the middle seat on a plan. I’m a 6’5″ man who has been forced to fold his legs in places they shouldn’t fold because I was stuck with the middle seat. People just worry about having to relive that trauma, so they avoid middle seats everywhere, including church.

2. It’s haunted – Aunt Lucille always sat in that spot. She sat their for 85 years. Literally, she never got up from that spot. She died in that spot. I’m not sure if she ever went home. She was in that seat every time you came to church and she was sitting in it every time you left. Maybe she had died awhile ago and no one noticed. Now, her ghost is continuing to sit in her middle pew seat.

1. THAT’S THEIR SEAT!!!1!1!1!!

This is the one, right? Everyone has “their seat” at church and they can’t worship Jesus to the fullest unless they are sitting in that exact spot every week. They can only be filled with the Holy Spirit if their seat is in that seat. Heaven forbid, you get there early one week and steal their spot. It’s daggers – looks that could kill for the rest of the service. They’re not sliding to the center because that would mean moving out of the spot that Jesus gave them as part of their salvation.

That may be the craziest part of it all. You arrive late, so you have to go to a pew with someone sitting on the end. The least disruptive and attention getting thing would be for them to simply slide over and let you sit where they were sitting. But that’s not going to happen.

They will send up a smoke signal and launch a flare gun in the sanctuary to let everyone know what’s going on before they quietly slide over to let you sit on the end. They stand up, walk out of the pew and let you go in and sit down in the middle. They’re not going there – that place is deadly, dangerous and an unexplored territory in most churches.

What’s your craziest church pew story? 

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About Author

Aaron Earls

Christian. Husband. Daddy. Writer. Online editor for Facts & Trends Magazine. Fan of quick wits, magical wardrobes, brave hobbits, time traveling police boxes & Blue Devils.