Candy Crush has taken over the country. I knew it was bad when I saw a grown man sitting in the candy aisle of the grocery story weeping as he softly asked the chocolate bars, “Why? Why did you do this to me?”
But you know what happens when something becomes a cultural phenomenon, right? Christians create their own second-rate version of it. I’ve already given you the top 5 Christian reality TV shows and the top 5 Facebook apps, but Candy Crush is on a whole other level.
In July, it had almost 7 million active users and was bringing in over $600,000 … a day. That’s more money than some TV preachers spends on teeth whitener.
With that kind of money rolling in, the Christian knock-offs are sure to arrive. Here are the top 10 Christian alternatives to Candy Crush.
10. Satan Smack – It’s like Whack-A-Mole, but you tap every time Satan pops out of his hole. Be careful though because he starts disguising himself as an angel of light more and more the further you go.
9. Tomlin Takeover – You control a CCM radio station and every time it doesn’t play a Chris Tomlin song you tap the screen. Higher levels start mixing in Matt Redman singing Tomlin songs.
8. Fruit of the Spirit Free-for-all – Different types of fruit zoom across the screen, while you tap and grab only the real fruit of the Spirit. No, this is not a blatant rip off of Fruit Ninja, why do you ask?
7. Hymnal Highway – Try to get the hymn book to the old Baptist deacon by sneaking across a busy road filled with hipster Christians driving electric cars listening to newfangled praise choruses.
6. Testamint Tilt – As Testamints fall on your screen, tilt the screen to direct the miniscule biblical quotes to the correct Bible references. But don’t get fooled by the Christian conversation hearts.
5. Bible Bash – Different types of sinners walk across the screen, you have to decide how hard you need to swing your iPhone for each person. Only give hard, strong smacks for truly bad sinners.
4. Church Collapse – Protect your established church by knocking down all the new churches that come into your town. Watch out for megachurches, they grow quickly, while house churches can hide.
3. Potluck Pounding – Try to gobble all of the good food that flies toward you, but be careful – they may try to sneak in a vegetable plate or some kind of strange tuna concoction.
2. Tebow Time – This is not so much a game, as it is a live webcam of Tim Tebow not playing football. Oh, I’m sorry. Was that a little too harsh?
1. Pastor Parade – You have to line up three pastors in a row by their theology based only by appearance. Here’s a tip to get past level 135, which can be really difficult – look at the Bible versions.
The Reformed will always have an ESV, Fundamentalist will have KJV, Hipsters tote YouVersion Bible app on their iPad, while the Prosperity gospel preachers are holding stacks of $100 dollar bills they just took from out-of-work grandmothers.
It turns out, I’m already too late to parody Christian Candy Crush. Someone has already used Candy Crush to promote a Christian conference. Fellow Christians, please just leave one thing out there for me to parody before you go and actually do it.