Top 10 reasons I’m not the new pope

When I saw the white smoke ascending from the chimney in the Vatican, two thoughts ran through my mind. One, I’m glad the cardinals were basketball fans and wanted to finish up before the NCAA tournament started. Two, there goes yet another job I can’t get.

Yes, I realize I’m a Baptist and the pope has to be Catholic, but I thought my resume warranted a bit of a leeway on that requirement. I have a theological degree. I wasn’t a cardinal myself, but I cheered for my son’s tee-ball team named the Cardinals. I’ve been to a Catholic church.

Also, the conclave did seem to think my suggestion of “Casual Friday” was something they could get behind. One day out of the week to put down the robe, hat and all the stuffiness of the official wardrobe and relax in some sweatpants, flip-flops, t-shirt and a trucker hat turned backwards. OK, maybe not the trucker hat.

Despite all my strong points, I started to wonder how really open they were to my election as Pope Luther I when the conclave all rolled their eyes, while calling for security, after I asked if I could put spinner rims on the pope-mobile.

Before I left, I asked if they could give me one good reasons why I should not be the Bishop of Rome. Shockingly enough, they gave me the top 10 reasons I’m not the new pope.

Sure, Pope Francis can have wings on his outfit, but pope-mobile spinner rims was
“pushing it too far?” I don’t think so. Photo Alessandro Bianchi / Reuters

Top 10 reasons I’m not the new pope

10. I enjoy being married, so there’s that.

9. You try to get the papal conclave to do one little Harlem Shake video and everybody goes all crazy. I thought viral hit, but with the age of most of the cardinals, they thought violent hip.

8. The only Latin I can speak is of the pig variety. “An-cay I ear-way the ool-cay at-hay?”

7. One too many Manti Te’o jokes. Plus, I said Notre Dame was overrated.

6. I made a campaign promise to immediately issue a papal bull banning men’s skinny jeans. Apparently, some of the cardinals are hipsters. Who knew?

5. They didn’t seem to like my idea of using a March Madness style elimination tournament to determine who would be declared a saint.

4. They thought it was pushing it that I wanted to use my papal powers to demand baseball expand instant replay and remove the designated hitter.

3. I asked about changing up the wafers and wine in the eucharist to Snickers and Mountain Dew. I was even willing to allow Diet Dew for those seeking to lose a few pounds, but don’t ask for the Snickers Peanut Butter Squares. That’s just blasphemous.

2. My first order of business was going to be to declare as infallible church doctrine (ex cathedra) that yes, a tree falling in the woods does make a sound and it’s stupid to even ask the question. Disagree? Excommunicated.

1. I requested that, instead of white smoke, they would announce my election via an Instagram photo of me trying to get in all the papal regalia with the caption “Popin’ ain’t easy.”

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What reason kept you from being elected as the leader of the Catholic Church at the most recent papal conclave? Unless, of course, you were elected Pope. In that case, welcome Pope Francis, I hope you possess a sense of humor as much as you seem to possess a sense of humility.

Just to break the joke for a moment and be serious, my thoughts as a Baptist echo those of Dr. Russell Moore. While I will continue to disagree with Roman Catholics over numerous theological reasons, I can be thankful for the contributions of the previous Pope and be in prayer for the current one.

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Aaron Earls

Christian. Husband. Daddy. Writer. Online editor for Facts & Trends Magazine. Fan of quick wits, magical wardrobes, brave hobbits, time traveling police boxes & Blue Devils.