Humor: Top 5 cheesy songs at Christian events

I wish Christian events were like Olive Garden. 

I mean besides offering endless breadsticks and soup or salad. That’s a given.

You know how the waiter or waitress comes up with the cheese grater and asks if you would like some cheese. You reply, “Who doesn’t want cheesy deliciousness all on top of my pasta deliciousness?”

They look at you strange, but understand that you meant, “Yes, Please,” so they tell you, “Just say ‘when.'” You let them pile your plate with more cheese than a herd of dairy cows could produce in a month until you finally meekly say, “when,” right before you empty the Wisconsin Strategic Cheese Reserve. (Is that a real thing? It should be.)
When I go to a Christian event, be it a party, a wedding, a get together for all the wives to talk about the crushes they had on Kirk Cameron on Growing Pains and the husbands to do the same with Candace Cameron on Full House, whatever kind of event it may be, I want the host to ask me:

“How much cheese would you like with your event?”

That way, I can let them know if I’m ready for a lot of cheese or if I’m not quite feeling like diving into the Christian subculture cheddar today.

If they would ask that question, you would be able to prepare yourself for the playing of any of these top 5 cheesy Christians songs that frequent our events.

Photo from deviantart.com

5. Butterfly Kisses – Ever want to see a group of grown men cry? Drop a Butterfly Kisses bomb in the middle of them. Spontaneous allergies and eye sweating will erupt. Just watching the YouTube video was like kryptonite for me and I don’t even have a sweet little daughter. I’ve got two wild and crazy boys. Doesn’t matter.

Butterfly Kisses may be ultra cheesy, but that song would make terrorists lay down their weapons just to go home and hug their daughters. I feel certain that any would-be bomber captured by the US and rehabilitated was played this song. Butterfly Kisses. You can’t stop the tears, you can only hope to contain them.

4. Find Your Wings – Speaking of, “No, I wasn’t crying. I was had some dust in my eyes” music. Has there been a Christian graduation recognition since 2005 that did not include Mark Harris’ Find Your WingsIf you just read the lyrics, it reads like a Christian Dr. Seuss book: Oh, the Godly Places You Will Go

But somehow that music gets you thinking, “My baby is growing up. Yeah, I know this song is so sappy, but my baby’s going off to college … in 16 years!” Just make sure all the women are given advance notice, so they can get waterproof make-up and shove an entire redwood forest worth of tissues in their pocketbooks.

3. A Carman song, any Carman song – Maybe my generation ended this. If so, “you’re welcome.” Look, I’m sure Carman loved Jesus and really was trying to communicate his faith in a relevant way to teenagers. But, I just don’t know if I can let this slide.

Does anyone else remember when churches were trying to have Christian dance parties for teenagers? “Maybe we can turn our fellowship hall into a dancing place with Christian music. I know I want to get down every time I hear Carman say, ‘Who’s in the house? J.C.!'” The inevitable end of that was seeing the six or seven kids who show up to every church event leaning awkwardly against the wall with no actual dancing transpiring. It was probably for the best.

2. I Will Be Here – Are you a Christian? Did you get married in the 90’s or early 2000’s? You had this song in your wedding, didn’t you? Don’t try to act like a Christian culture snob, now. You know you professed your undying love to your spouse with Steven Curtis Chapman’s Christian marriage anthem, I Will Be Here.

Why was SC2 (that would be Steven Curtis Chapman’s rap name if and when he decides to take his skills to hip-hop) the only song in the Christian wedding game? Because the only love Christians want to record songs about is Jesus’ love. Even though God created marriage, we would rather let R&B groups sing about loving their wife … on the same album they sing about loving the girl at the club, loving the girl on the street and loving the girl in the cubicle next to them at work. OK, maybe I made that last one up.

1. Friends are Friends Forever – Was there a year that went by during your teenage years that this song wasn’t played after every week at youth camp, every graduation party, every morning after a lock-in? Was there ever once a time when that song was played when the girls did not start hugging each other and crying?

If Butterfly Kisses is like a tear grenade to daddies, Friends are Friends Forever was like tear nuclear bomb to teen girls. They were either weeping over an acquaintance they just met five days ago and won’t think about again after two weeks of being back home or they were balling over a friend they see almost everyday. The tears and snot were flowing freely, until they both realized they had a crush on the same guy. Then it turned into “friends are friends for never, if they try to steal your man.”

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What other cheesy Christians songs do you remember being played all the time? Which one of these songs is your cheesy guilt pleasure? Come on, everyone likes at least a little bit of cheese.

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About Author

Aaron Earls

Christian. Husband. Daddy. Writer. Online editor for Facts & Trends Magazine. Fan of quick wits, magical wardrobes, brave hobbits, time traveling police boxes & Blue Devils.