Humor: Top 5 biblical heroes who couldn’t be elected president

As the Republican field for president narrows, the flaws of each candidate remaining become much more visible and discussed. This leads many to long for one of the heroes of the Bible to step off the pages and onto our ballots. Do you know what would happen if that somehow did take place? They would lose and lose badly.

Yes, I am well aware that Constitutionally no one from the Bible could run for US president as you have to be a natural born citizen and the United States didn’t even exist during biblical times. If that weren’t the case, however, what would prevent these men from being elected as our president? Think our current crop of candidates are flawed with skeletons in their closets? Just see if you could vote for any of the top 5 biblical heroes who couldn’t be elected president

Personal photo illustration. Background image from Sxc.hu by Emilien Auneau



5. David – Even with his impressive war record, David had some serious moral failings that would haunt him in an election. You think Newt Gingrich has marriage issues to deal with, what would David do with our 24/7 news channels? It’s not exactly easy to politically recover from having an affair and murdering the husband.

I guess David would run on jobs creation and a strong military, but seriously do you think CNN is letting the whole Bathsheba thing slide? TMZ’s hounding Bathsheba, taking photos from the bushes, asking her neighbors if she bathes on her roof often. The National Enquirer is posting photos online of Absalom partying hard before he leads a rebellion against his father. It’s a mad house. An unelectable mad house.

4. Samson – I know what you are thinking. Delilah, right? He’s got to overcome the whole crazy wife giving him over to his enemies thing. Actually, I think that plays to his political advantage. He is the trusting husband, who loved his wife, but had her betray him. That gives him the sympathetic vote right there. The thing he has to fight against is his hair.

Take a look at this picture of all the presidents up until our most recent former president. What do you notice about their hair? Not one of them looks like Fabio. There are no sweet, flowing locks. There are some impressive beards from long ago, but no one has hair to make women jealous. Women do not want to be jealous of their president’s hair (see Edwards, John).

3. Paul – Sure, Paul was very inspirational to his audience and extremely passionate about his beliefs, which in today’s political climate means he’s not getting out of the single digits in polling numbers. That sounds like another “Paul” I know.

Just like the present day Paul, the former Saul had horrible optics. He said he could not speak eloquently and tradition says he looked …. well, weird. While he had moved on spiritually, it would be hard for the voting public to move beyond him being responsible for the torture and death of numerous Christians. That tends to lose you votes.

2. Abraham – Mitt Romney has had to answer difficult questions concerning his Mormon faith. Abraham would be forced to answer exactly why he thought it was a good idea to offer his son as a human sacrifice. Romney may have to answer questions about special Mormon undergarments. Abraham initiated circumcision. Who’s “winning” that one?

Again, people want to bring up questions of polygamy with anyone who is Mormon. What about Abraham? The descendants of his two sons, one by his wife’s servant (whoops! there’s another one), are the ones constantly at war in the Middle East. Not to mention, he went around repeatedly telling people his wife was his sister. Then when confronted about his lie, his response was, “Well, technically it’s true.” How do you see that one playing with Fox News focus groups?

1. Jesus – In endorsing one of the current presidential candidates, Rep. Trent Franks said, ““All of us have baggage, but Jesus is not on the ballot. Maybe it would be great if he were, but the point is we have to, in this case, pick the person who can best lead this country into the place that the Founding Fathers dreamed it could be.”

You want to know one person who could never win a national election? Jesus. As soon as a crowd started following Him, He would say something controversial to cause them to leave. If you think Rick Perry quickly lost his popular support, Jesus had a parade in his honor one week and then had the some people call for his execution the next. Jesus would be too demanding and wouldn’t tell us how great we are. If there was any person who has zero chance of being president, it’s somebody perfect. Thankfully, He didn’t have to be elected as Lord. Besides, all the Walmart receipts He appears on show Him with long hair and we all know that’s a deal killer.

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What biblical character could you not vote for in an election? Why? What Bible character would make a great president, if that were, you know, Constitutionally and temporal possible, what with them being from a different age and currently dead now.

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Aaron Earls

Christian. Husband. Daddy. Writer. Online editor for Facts & Trends Magazine. Fan of quick wits, magical wardrobes, brave hobbits, time traveling police boxes & Blue Devils.