5 Christian Valentine’s Gifts

It's all about the cheese today. Illustration from DeviantArt.com by ~u-wish.

It’s all about the cheese today. Illustration from DeviantArt.com by ~u-wish.

First a message to the frantic husband Googling gift ideas because he forgot Valentine’s Day again this year. This post is not for you. These are jokes.You don’t have time for humor right now. Your very life depends on you finding some highly romantic, yet inexpensive and quick gift to salvage your relationship.

Go find that gift, then come back here later and read this (and also let me know what you found, I might want to use it next year).

For the rest of us … every year around this time, societal cheesiness gets cranked to 11. No holiday is more over the top with gooeyness than Valentine’s Day. This poses a problem to us Christians. Cheese is us. We’ve cornered the market on over-sentimental expressions and gifts. We own this. And yet every year, secular companies try to horn in on what is rightfully ours.

It’s time Christians bring out the big guns and keep our title. It’s time to move on from the Christmas Wars to the Valentine’s Day Battles. With that I give you 5 Christian Valentine’s gifts sure to blow all cheesy secular gifts out of the water.

5. I Kissed Dating GoodbyeAll the single ladies, all the single ladies. 

You have not been a single Christian college student if you have not been given I Kissed Dating Goodbye to read and swore that “right now, I’m just going to date Jesus.”

For starters, most single people don’t need to be reminded that they are single on Valentine’s Day. They already know. It’s kind of obvious to them. Second, they don’t need your help in deciding how God wants to work in their life in regards to relationships with the opposite sex.

The worst way I’ve seen this used – as a break-up gift. “I’m sorry baby, but we need to end this relationship. I’ve just read this great book and I’d like you to read it, too. Then maybe you’ll agree with me that we need to go our separate ways.” Ladies, if a guy ever does that to you, throw that book at his face. He earned it.

4. TestamintsBecause we all want to our breath to be God-breathed.

Obviously, you aren’t giving these to your wife, but maybe you are thinking about trying to share some Gospel love with your co-workers. Why not give them a pack of mints with tiny Scripture verses on them? How about it makes you look like a moron and not even because you are communicating the Gospel, but because you gave them a mint with a Bible verse on it.

I’m waiting for the day when Evangelicals run America and we start treating Testamints like the Holy Roman Empire treated baptism. I’m walking up to Richard Dawkins, shoving a John 3:16 mint in his mouth and declaring him born again. OK, I don’t really want to see any of those things happen, but I’m afraid I can’t say the same for others.

3. Framed Bible passage from 1 Corinthian 13Nothing says “I love you” like Scripture out of context. 

We all realize that the passage in 1 Corinthians about love is dealing with relationships within a church family right? I mean, sure you can apply that to how you should love anyone, including your spouse, but you do know that God did not inspire the Apostle Paul to pen that section of his letter to the church at Corinth so you and every other Christian couple getting married could have something to recite at your wedding?

You want to know one Paul left out? Love is creative, so stop being lazy and trying to cover it up by saying it’s “spiritual.” Instead of copying the “love chapter” down and giving it to your significant other like you did something special, how about you write your own poem or even just your feelings? If you are a guy, maybe you don’t want to push yourself too hard. You can just write down a feeling (hint: besides “hungry”).

2. WWSD? braceletWhat Would Solomon Do?

Married Christians, well married Christian men, love to talk about King Solomon and Song of Solomon. There is some freaky-deaky stuff in that book. Clearly, God has designed sex to be enjoyed and Solomon was really enjoying it.

Here’s my question though. Which wife is Solomon all enthralled with in that book? Not that I would know what this is like, but if I’m one of his other wives I’m not too happy that he wrote this extremely sensual book about how much he longed for one of the other wives.

I know the Bible talks about how wise Solomon was, but I can’t see him being the wisest man in the world when he intentionally married all those women. That is too much work. Maybe if you are wise like him, you can write books like the Song of Solomon and get away with all those wives.

1. Fat Baby Angel artworkChristian art means trying to blend secular mythology with poor Christian theology, putting a frame on it and selling it for twice as much as it’s worth.

If you want to picture Cupid like a pudgy baby in a diaper shooting people with heart arrows, go for it, but don’t call that an angel. Have you read the description of angels in Ezekiel? That’s not a cute fat baby.

I’m trying to think of a time when I would like fat baby angel artwork and I can’t think of a single moment in my life when I would have that desire. Do not give your significant other kitschy, over-priced, bad theology in a frame. That piece of advice is my Valentine’s gift to you. You’ll thank me later.

Hopefully, none of you fell to any of these temptations for Valentine’s Day this year, but maybe you have before. What is the worst, cheesiest Love day gift you have ever given or received? Share your stories so the rest of us won’t repeat those mistakes.

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Aaron Earls

Christian. Husband. Daddy. Writer. Online editor for Facts & Trends Magazine. Fan of quick wits, magical wardrobes, brave hobbits, time traveling police boxes & Blue Devils.